Woiye Njoki

There are two things I hate; three that I find detestable; poverty, a man who cannot dress well and a man who does not know how to spoil his wife with expensive gifts. Lord knows I was not put on this earth to suffer in marriage or start a family with a man who I'd be ashamed to take a stroll with because his clothes do not complement who I am as a brand. I therefore took it upon myself to find the one. The one who would take me to the land of plenty treat me like the queen I was.

I found myself in the world of dating which is known for defying a lot of scientifically proven laws. In the real world, unlike poles attract but not when you're talking about love. Here, like poles are the ones that attract. The person that is thinking of you all the time and is obsessed by everything you do is most probably a true reflection of yourself. It is true that no two people are the same but most relationships begin with the words, "we have so much in common" even if no one acknowledges.

How would a girl who had just arrived from the village catch the attention of her ideal man? I had not even grasped the vitals of Nairobi civilisation. It took me a while to realise that when someone says Kanye west, they are talking about an American musician and it was not a new version of our native greeting, "Idhi kanye?" The only way I could afford to make my ojuglebas look better is to stuff socks in my bras. There was simply no chance a city boy would look at me twice. What with my face that was full of pimples looking like a sheet of braille.

I had to do the inevitable. There was no choice. If what my pastor said was true, that one day we'll stand before BigMan and witness our sins kama vindio I will ask for 7D effects when it comes to the part where I bought kamote to attract my husband. I would like the whole world to know where I got the love potion from. If her powers made such an honourable man profess his love for me all this years surely she could save us from eternal fire. Plus with all that marketing on my part she would definitely give me a discount when selling the spell that would help us avoid everlasting damnation.

The only rule that came with the kamote was to make sure that only the targeted person should eat the food laced with the love potion. It would be dangerous if his then girlfriend tasted some of the food as well. That would mean two people would have deep affection for me and I can't handle all that attention.

It was only a matter of time before Wamusee became mine. The result was unbelievable. He would bring me boiled maize, roasted maize, smokies and boiled eggs every evening. I slowly worked towards being the woman that was worthy of him even and learnt how to deal with opposition from people around him who knew our union was definitely not normal. Soon we became the power couple to watch.

When you take care of a man the way I had done with Wamusee it was only a matter of time before admirers start envying what belongs to you and try to have it for themselves. With such a good man, competition was expected and I had prepared myself on how to deal with them.

There are those that were not much of a problem the ones that Morio One would call non-issues and that is just what they are. Those girls cannnot stand a chance of taking my man and after a few weeks their plan to steal my lover ends up destroying them instead. Usually I pay no attention to such. Since I am an artist by profession, kuchorea hio story si ngumu.

Then comes the girls who are persistent about having Wamusee for themselves. They refuse to understand that he is for one person and one person only. Strategies are drawn and plans are devised to lure him and when I feel threatened or insecure about them I call my mboys who know how to make a person disappear. Once my goons are done with their job the lasses are nowhere within reach or something wierd happens to them. They are nothing a little threatening cannot do.

The strength of a woman is to acknowledge her point of weakness.

Mine is you, Njoki. I have tried everything to make you leave Wamusee alone. Can you even count how many times I have hired my mboys to drop you in a dangerous forest or quarry? I cannot because they are too many. Yet you keep coming back. Last month you really got on my nerves and I slapped you but you showed not even a speck of emotion. Sometimes I think you are not capable of such. It's like the only thing you feel is that kabreeze that hits your exposed stomach when you're wearing a cropped top.

Wamusee can't keep his eyes off you Njoki. I can tell that he tries to remain faithful but you are a force he can't contain. Maybe you need to give me your witchdoctor's business card. His stuff seems to work pretty well.

I am tired of spending money to import spells from around the world just to get you off my husband. I don't even want to beat you up because it seems like everytime you go to the hospital with bruises you come back looking more beautiful than when you left.

All that's left is for me to plead with you woman to woman because there is a way that we humans with two sets of lips can communicate with each other. You know how much I love Wamusee and how our love has stood the test of times.

If this is a battle then you have already won. You possess such beauty that no man can resist. I simply cannot compete with you. But I beg you Njoki Njoki Njokiiiii in the name of God please don't take my man.