There's an extra hill in Ngong' that outsiders don't know about. No one goes there to hike or take beautiful pictures of the sunset. You will never find the fake deep smoking and taking selfies up there while filling your Instagram feeds with long irrelevant posts. There is no sight of windmills or breathtaking birds and animals. Considering it's a lot lower than its sisters one would expect to find lazy faithfuls praying or couples on dates enjoying themselves. Far from it, this heap of garbage is for no good. It defies every law of hygiene and environment conservation.
When it rains, this lovely hill is generous enough to donate its components to the environment. The water carries away some waste towards the road making them flood and in some cases render them impassable. I can only imagine the health risk it poses on the informal households nearby. Unlike the Nairobi residents, they don't take it to twitter to complain about their situation. This is probably because their governor's name, Honourable Doctor David Ole Nkedianye, seems like it has already reached the 140 character limit.
This hill had a lot of memories for Linyonyi. The married women had always preferred to meet here because no one would go round garbage heaps to look for them thus their chances of getting caught by their husbands were low. There were also times while driving his nduthi away from home where he needed to take a piss and this was his preferred washroom.
That day's experience however, would definitely surpass them all.
His fellow townsmen had woken up that morning with the soul aim of getting rid of him. They showed up at his house early, giving him several punches and kicks then carrying him to the garbage heap to burn him alive. Anger, which was mainly caused by jealousy, was in the air as the men accused him of 'spoiling' their women. Instead of using his sweet tongue to find a woman to marry, they said, Linyonyi was using it to lure all the women of the town and making them unfaithful to their husbands and boyfriends.
From their faces he could tell they really wanted to do away with him. They were also curios to know what kind of powers he possessed to entice such a huge number. The women he had slept with pretended to be as disgusted as the crowd but one could see that deep down they were hurt by the way he was being treated. One lady could not bear it any more and suggested that the better way was to take him to the police station. There was some resistance but they finally agreed. They put him on the back of his bike stating that they would steal it but they wanted nothing to do with him.
Liyonyi's cellmate in prison was a Pastor Jim. He had been accused of using his ministry to exploit followers and steal their money. He talked a lot about how big his church was and how much money he had amassed. Infact, he talked so much that Linyonyi wished he could just churn him into busaa and drink him. He said that after getting rich off a congregation it was always good to go to prison where he could change tactics, learn new ones and modify his appearance. He had even began working on a white beard during his court hearings. As an added advantage the prisoners were a good audience to preach to because they were a desperate people, similar to the ones he targeted in the outside world.
"For the last time Pastor Jim, my name is not Wanyonyi." It always pissed him off when people mistook his name. Back in Ngong, his numerous clandes would piss him off when calling him the wrong name during moments of passion, "Litonyi, Loliondo, Lolita."
He knew it was only a matter of time before he gave in to the name Wanyonyi and as it seems that was the only name his colleagues would use to refer to him, it began to bother him less.
Months in prison were spent listening to Pastor Jim's sermons.One night when they both could not sleep Pastor Jim told him about Moses and the burning bush. That God asked Moses, "What do you have in your hand?" Moses saw a staff in his hand and that's what God used to bless him. In the same way God would only bless Linyonyi using the talents and abilities that he had.
This message changed his thinking. He decided to stop feeling sad about his poor state and began working with what he has. He got so challenged that he used his gift of speech to become Jim's co-pastor, preaching once in a while to the prison congregation that was growing everyday.
Fellow prisoners began to prefer him to Pastor Jim and this did not go well. Linyonyi would receive threats and he thought it best to look for another place to sleep.
Luckily, one of his former lovers paid a good lawyer to appeal his case and he soon got acquitted. He received a letter from her on the day of his release that apologised for not helping earlier as she had to find a way to steal the money from her husband without him noticing. The envelope also contained a one million shillings cheque and the madam's workplace address so that he could look for her later on.
Outside the prison gates he found his nduthi waiting for him. It looked as beautiful as ever with a FORD Kenya flag at the front and the seat lined with empty packets of branded maize flour. In this world, his nduthi was the only thing that he truly cared about. Even while behind bars he often bribed the guards to take it from where it was locked and drove it around in a nearby field. He would talk to it as if it could listen and tell it that one day they would run away to see the world.
As he folded the letter back into the envelope he remembered how this particular woman would scream the name "Jehovah" while making love. It made him uncomfortable at first but he later got used to it.
Then it hit him, if he was a better pastor than Jim who had amassed billions for himself, surely he could be god himself. Plus, doesn't it say in Psalms 82:6 that we are gods? So technically he wouldn't be doing anything wrong.
With a well thought out strategy he reached Cherangani town with his nduthi that show the meekness of a servant. The people were glad to see one who could speak their own language come to rescue them from their troubles. He told the people that he would give them special seeds that would do well in their soils, give them money to use in development and generally help in improving their welfare.
Never had they seen a leader fulfil his promises, surely he could not be a man like the rest. So when he introduced himself as Jehovah Wanyonyi, they did not refute.
Wanyonyi really believed he could make a difference. He encouraged people to work all morning, refresh themselves then come for a service where he would be worshipped. There was no need for a preacher as his followers would hear directly from their god who had divine eloquence.
There were visible signs that he was trying to help the community, comforted the afflicted and was ready to listen to their sorrow. Even though he did not peform miracles, they left his presence with the one thing they all needed most; hope.
Women filled the seats on Sundays, leaving their abusive husbands for good. They sang praises to Wanyonyi, prayed to him to bless them and their children. His easy ways, smart mouth and the leaked information from his wives that he was good in bed made them eager to please him while they waited for Christmas when he married a new wife.
Within two years he had built for himself a large temple where his followers would bring offerings and sacrifices. His private homstead had a main hut and six smaller huts for his wives and children. In another enclosed area there was a school and a hospital where only those trained by Jehovah himself would work.
His hut had a room that was always locked and no one was allowed to enter.
That was where he kept the one item that reminded him of who he truly was, his nduthi. He would open the room each night and remind himself of his past and where he should be in the future. Using the stickers and hang-ons he had customized his bike into an item that would keep him in check.
Trouble started in paradise when Wephukulu in a nearby village started convincing people that he was a deity as well. Wanyonyi's sons were also becoming of age and they got into fights with each other about who would inherit the throne. The wives, drowning in jealousy, accused each other of hoarding Jehovah's attention. The media and outside world became increasingly interested in the happenings of his village. Life, as they say, was happening.

One night he took all the money he had gained from farming and other activities, brought his bike outside the hut and silently took off. He drove it to nowhere in particular. As long as it was a place where he could be a Linyonyi, a little bird.


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